I don’t know how to start this entry because there is some background information I need to insert for the impact and meaning of what had hapened tonight to be fully expressed and preserved. (which will be added later)
During praise, I cried.
We will see if this was the true Grace of God or just another one of those emotional releases by watching for the changes it has made in me and the fruits of love it shows.
This is what happened:
We were singing praises, and here my praises have been very low in tone becase most of the songs were unknown to me. However, the praise leader started to play a series of songs that I knew. I timidly mouthed the songs as I cautiously sang the words as to truly mean what I was singing.
It was not enough. Inside of me, there was a dim burning desire for a more deeper worship. I felt like my worship was just hitting a wall. I prayed and asked God, “what’s wrong with me.” The things that surfaced at that time were some fears that drove me to be a “religious man”.
I was afraid of singing out loud. Actually, it’s more complicated than that. My fear of singing out loud was rooted in fear that when I did sing out loud, I would stop worshiping because I would concentrate so hard on getting the song right.
However, my being wanted to really worship God with everything that I’ve got, mind, body, soul. Without holding back, I sang loudly. I joined in at the chorus. I was singing off key! I was very embarassed but I kept singing, while I tried to hit the right note but was continuously off key. There were little moments of worship but most of it was spent preoccupied with my tonedeafness and feeling embarassed. I was thinking to myself, “what is going on!”.
As I was singing and singing louder yet to compensate for my insecurity about my voice, I felt a sadness come over me because of my inability to worship God. I had hot tears coming out of my eyes and I stopped singing and weeped out loud with my body bowed. I repeated to myself, “God loves me, God loves me, God loves me”. I was saying this to myself to reconfirm the truth that God loves me unconditionally. At that time as love of God was being confirmed into my soul, God made me realize a truth about what state I was in spiritually. My tears that started with frustration and sadness soon turned into mourning as I realized what God was trying to show me.
God made me realize through my tonedeafness in worship humans are instruments of worship. My voice was one of the external instruments of my body that was created to worship God through song. When I sang, even though my intent was to offer God a pleasing song of worship, my voice came out all wrong.
— Explanation —
I am not saying people who can not sing can not worship God because their voices are bad. Worship is more than that
God showed me that my instrument was out of tune, like my voice. My being was out of tune. It once was in tune and produced the right notes for the music, but now it has been untuned and is making weird untuned noise, and no matter how well I play it, the sound it makes is not right.
God showed me that I am a precious instrument of worship that needed tuning. I needed to tune my motivation of worship. It took God’s intervention for me to realize that my worship was not purely out of the Love for God.
Here are some fears that motivated me:
The fear of. . .
looking like a hypocrite.
breaking my own rules of what is good to God.
not being spiritual enough to have impact.
being looked down on by my wife.
the list went on. . .
What lead to this happening?
Since the second day that I have been here, I had been on a search for God’s will through fasting and praying and reading of the Word. During that time I was very irritated easily with my wife and our relationship had tensions. I tried to pray it away and let it go, but my actions showed that I was irritated with her.
After finishing the fast Annie and I had a conversation in which I confessed and asked for forgiveness for mistreating her. She asked me, so what was the purpose of the fast, what did you get out of it.
I realized that now that I am married, I can not do these kinds of things alone. It is very difficult. Out of desperation I came out and said, Annie, I need for you to really pray for me.”
So she prayed for me before we went into worship. She prayed for me during worship. This opened up my heart to receive something from God.